While Part I provided 23 Love-and-Logic Tips, philosophy can go so far when you are in the middle of a parenting crisis. This second part provides some specific guidelines, scripts and counsel for those who have read part one. Here are 41 Love-and-Logic Pearls especially for parents of children from birth to twelve years of age. You will find here a summary of these pearls, but for best results you will need to read the book yourself.
Pearl 1 – Allowances/Money – teaching responsible use of money
Rule 1: Allowances are not pay for doing their chores because every family member needs to do their fair share to keep the family operating smoothly. You may choose to pay them for doing YOUR chores.
Rule 2: Allowance must be provided at the same time each week. Sample Invoice for 1st Grader: $1.00 allowance; $6.00 lunch money; Note: “Because we love you. Spend it wisely and make it last.” Signed: Parents
Rule 3: Best way for child to learn to save money is to allow him to reach his own “economic depression” by first wasting his own money.
Rule 4: Except for illegal activities, allow them to spend it the way they want. For example: pay someone to do their chores; pay for babysitter if they don’t want to go somewhere with family. BUT the catch is, when it is gone, it is gone – until the next “pay day.” No bail outs. P. 109-112
Pearl 2 – Anger: When It’s Appropriate
Rule 1: When your child’s mistakes hurt them only, commiserate with them.
Rule 2: When your child’s mistake hurt you, let them know how it affects you and give them until bedtime to decide how they are going to make it right.
Rule 3: Use anger as a rational choice and sparingly. P. 113-114
Pearl 3 – Bedtime – Turn Over Control
Usually the battle of bedtime is over the control.
Rule 1: Take away the power struggle by telling the child you need about 8 hours of sleep and 2 hours of alone time with your spouse.
Rule 2: Allow the child to choose when that 10 hours begins by giving them two choices that suit you. You can offer a bedtime story or other family routine prior to that time.
Rule 3: Allow the child to choose how they spend that time as long as it doesn’t interfere with your 10 hours. The child occupies himself in his own bedroom.
Rule 4: Allow the child to suffer the natural consequences of living his day without proper sleep. P. 115-117
Pearl 4 – Bossiness
Rule 1: Do not interject emotion in response to bossiness.
Rule 2: When the child is bossy toward you, respond something like this, “Nice try, Tammy. Nice try. What do you think happens in this family when people get really bossy?” Then walk away.
Rule 3: When the child is bossy towards other children, be the counselor – Asking if they worry about losing friends? When he loses friends ask how they intend to resolve the issue and regain friends. Offer to help when they are ready to receive your ideas. P. 118-120
Pearl 5 – Car: Back-Seat Battles
Rule 1: Use these techniques when you are not in a hurry to get somewhere. Prepare with a book to read. Can use reasoning like, “I can’t drive safely with all of this noise.” Or “It is difficult to be in a closed space with low oxygen levels.”
Rule 2: When the battle rages; explain the challenges of being confined in a car with lowering oxygen levels; older children can be outside and resolving their issue and regaining oxygen levels while the adult drives up a few feet and reads (watching for safety).
Rule 3: When close to home and with a prearranged friend following close behind, these older children can be left to walk home.
Rule 4: With younger children, you can get out of the car leaving the children in clear view. You can appear to be enjoying yourselves in conversation or having an ice cream. P. 121-124
Pearl 6 – Chores – Taking the Hassle Out of Chores
Rule 1: Say that your child is “doing things with” because in reality she is no help. However, she IS learning.
Rule 2: Model enjoyment doing chores. Say things like, “Wow, do I ever enjoy doing things with you.”
Rule 3: Give age-appropriate jobs. For example:
K-1st Grade: cleaning up own messes; helping to clean own room; making own bed.
3rd Grade: Wash dishes periodically; vacuum the family room; sweep out the garage; take out the trash; wipe out the fridge; help clean dirty windows and the car.
Rule 4: Place list of chores in a prominent place. After all have considered which ones they would like to do, have a family meeting to determine who will do what. If a child feels wronged, he can ask for renegotiation.
Rule 5: Set a time (deadline) for doing chores. “By the time….you eat next” or “I take you play at your friend’s house when you finish…” p. 125-128
Pearl 7 – Church: When Kids Don’t Want to Go
Rule 1: Model good behavior and express positive attitudes about attendance at church activities.
Rule 2: Remember that you can’t force an individual to like church attendance or to believe what is taught in church activities. (Reviewer’s comment: Only God can make us willing and give us faith to believe.)
Rule 3: Talk it out with the rebellious child. Find out what about church attendance is unacceptable in his mind.
Rule 4: Have faith. (Reviewer’s comment: Trust God to do a work in your child’s life.)
Stay tuned for the remaining Love and Logic Pearls.