Pearl 8 – Crisis Situations
Types of crisis situations that affect a family: drug use, runaways, debilitating injuries, suicide, death in family, crippling disease and many more.
Emotional responses to these situations: guilt, worry, anxiety, anger, and grief.
Four Helpful Thoughts:
- By nature, crises are temporary usually.
- Don’t try to deal with immediately – take time, pray, think, act rationally and seek advice when needed.
- To help cope, think about the worse possible outcome. If it is death for a believer, that is a good outcome for the individual.
- Keep the responsibility on the correct person. Our children may have to deal with natural consequences of their actions. P. 131-132
Pearl 9 – Discipline in Public – Strategic Training Session
Children often misbehave in public when they think their parents can’t or won’t discipline them. Planning ahead with a “co-conspirator” (friend, spouse, older sibling) who can be ready with a phone call to come and take the child to the car or to his bedroom at home. When the parent finishes shopping, she can discuss the situation with the child. P. 133-135
Pearl 10- Discipline 101 (Basic German Shepherd) – Age Eleven to Eighteen Months
Since children surpass the intelligence of the family dog at nine months, you can teach them all of the commands that we teach dogs: “come, sit, go, no, stay.”
Teach only those things you can control. Things you cannot control: “stop crying, quit bothering us, stop sucking your thumb, or cut the whining.”
First – teach the child to sit and stay with you or in a corner in the same room as you or in a nearby room; Later — to go to their room.
- “We can be too tough.” Understand and use common sense.
- “We can be too lenient.”
- “We may confuse anger with firmness.” P. 136-139
Pearl 11 – Discipline 201 (Remedial German Shepherd)- Age Four to Six Years
If your child hasn’t learned to respond in obedience to the basic commands from ages 4-6, you must implement “remedial German Shepherd.”
- “Avoid all physical tussles.
- Use orders sparingly.
- Tell your child what you wish he or she would do rather than giving an order.
- Give a complete ‘I message. ‘I would appreciate you going to your room now, so I can feel better about you and me.’ (I messages tell your feelings and why you feel that way.)
- Sometimes when a request is given, it is wise to thank the child in advance, anticipating compliance.
- When the child is in a good mood, talk things over, exploring his or her feelings and laying down expectations in the future.
- Use isolation and/or change of location for behavior problem, rather than trying to stop the behavior.
- Use corporal punishment very sparingly, if at all, and then only as outlined in pearl 31.
- Be emotional when things are done right; be matter of fact, non-emotional and consequential –using isolation –when things are done poorly or wrongly. P. 139-140
Pearl 12 – Divorce and Visitation
Parents and children alike suffer from divorce and visitation: “mood swings, defensiveness about being touched, reversion to elimination problems (younger children), hyperactivity (grade school children), back talk (teenagers), and general problems with school work, lack of interest and laziness.” P. 143
Follow Ten Guidelines:
- Expect children to handle it the same as the adults are handling it.
- Let the children know that the divorce is not their fault.
- Be honest about feelings and observations. Bad mouthing the ex-spouse backfires.
- Understand children’s misbehavior without excusing it.
- Give children a support group.
- Post-divorce counseling for parents and children may help.
- Remain available without prying.
- Handle visitation issues directly with the ex-spouse. Do not send messages with the children.
- Children need “moms” and “dads.” Generally, best to call steps – “mom” and “dad.” Children remember who the real parent is.
- The natural parent must back the step parent in discipline completely. P. 143-146
Pearl 13 – Eating and Table Manners
You can’t make a child like a meal, but following one of the following should teach the child proper eating and table manners:
- Child: “Yuck.” Mom: “No problem. Remove the child’s portion and dispose of in the garbage disposal. “Run along, see you at breakfast.”
- Later that evening: Child raids the fridge. Mom watches and adds up the amount: “that will be $1.95 for this food. Do you want to pay it in cash or we should take it out of your allowance.”
- “Have you had enough to last you until the next meal? I hope so, but you decide.”
- When mom cooks something new and different, she and dad eat it. The children eat hot dogs. First time, “This is adult food. I don’t know if you’d like this.” Second time: “I think kid’s taste buds just can’t handle this sort of thing. You’re probably not old enough.” Third time: “Oh, all right.” (doling out small portions) “But don’t eat too much.”
- One year old spits out beets: “Eat beets nice in your chair, or play on the floor.”
- Older children: “Take it to the dryer.” (The child eats in the utility room – if you can’t change the behavior, change the location.) p. 147-149
Pearl 14 – Fears and Monsters
Our negative emotions (anger, pleading, frustration) intensifies our child’s fears.
“Simple, calm reassurance that the child is competent to handle his or her own problems helps defuse the child’s worry.” Over exploring or overly involved parents makes things worse. Don’t make too big of a deal of the whole situation. Nightlights can help. Waking parents for this reason is not allowed. P. 150-152
Stay tuned for the remaining Love and Logic Pearls.